https://www.elazarbloom.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/carly-rae-hobbins-zNHOIzjJiyA-unsplash-scaled.jpg 1707 2560 Rabbi Elazar Bloom, LMFT https://www.elazarbloom.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/logo-9-mar.png Rabbi Elazar Bloom, LMFT2020-11-17 20:30:352020-11-17 20:30:35Couples Break Up for the Same Reason they Get Together
It all has to do with core fears and vulnerabilities.
One of several variations:
A young man, deeply fears that deep down he is really not important. He has learned to “get it right” and become worthy by focusing on pleasing those he cares about and catering to their needs. A young woman, deeply fears that in the end she will be neglected and alone. She has learned to draw attention to her needs by giving warm and affectionate feedback to those that she wants to keep close.
Match made in heaven. She wants the closeness of the attention so he works hard on pleasing her and gets the feedback he craves to keep on doing it. A beautiful feedback loop keeping everyone excited and passionate.
He gets it wrong (let’s say, he forgets to call when he said he would or comes home late…again). She does not feel his closeness. She is not pleased. His fear of “not important” is now exposed to the person he needs most. Her fear of alone and not cared for is exposed to the very man she trusted to be there.
But just because this often happens does not mean that there is a problem. This relationship can be saved. It CAN become secure and life enhancing.
What if he develops the capacity to share his pain of not getting it right, how he feels failing the most important person in his world? What if she is able to develop the courage to share her pain of not feeling his closeness and the fear she has of losing him and being alone.
What if they each felt safe enough to share their hearts, including their fears and vulnerabilities?
Then there would be hope that in those raw, sensitive places they will find what they long for – a true, life partner.