4 Questions to Get to the Heart of Your Relationship Issues

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4 Questions to Get to the Heart of Your Relationship Issues: A deep, intimate relationship is a fountain; a natural source of energy, vitality and joy. We all enter this space seeking to be nourished. Q - Why am I not feeling nourished? The most common cause is that you are not being seen, heard and understood. Q - What might I be doing that makes it hard for me to be seen,…

The Integrated Turtle

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I had just finished an emotional session with an amazing young couple. Both of them, brave souls with trauma filled backgrounds. I went on a long run to reflect and release and then I saw this guy (pictured above). A thought occurred. That beautiful shell is the pain and the need to protect. The little head popping out, is the courageous willingness to risk for the possibility of deep vulnerable love…

Lovers Facing Each Other and the Beyond

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Working with couples, the most significant shift I get the privilege of witnessing is when husband and wife turn to one another and share intimate emotional space. She may share her loneliness and how her angry attack is really a fearful, fear laden attempt to try and find him. He may share his fear of failing and disappointing her (again) and how withdrawing is his way of protecting himself and not…

You didn't make a mistake, its just hard...

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You didn’t make a mistake, it’s just hard… As a couple moves into later stages of their relationship, they often find they enjoy each other less and less.  This is generally the result of bickering; repetitive draining arguments about, well, just about anything. It's at this point that both individuals might say to themselves (or possibly to trusted others): “I think I might have made a…

3 Relationship Myths (and the truth)

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False Relationship Belief #1 Myth: You never hurt someone you love Fact: You most hurt (and are hurt by) someone you love. Not on purpose, of course, but pain is the price we pay for caring about someone deeply. The true love that is the stuff of a marriage is about what you do AFTER the hurt happens. False Relationship Belief #2 Myth : Happy marriage requires compromise. Fact: Compromise…

The Genesis of Couples Therapy

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The Torah uses very few words to say an awful lot. It's view on marriage is famously condensed into one brief verse: עַל־כֵּן֙ יַֽעֲזָב־אִ֔ישׁ אֶת־אָבִ֖יו וְאֶת־אִמּ֑וֹ וְדָבַ֣ק בְּאִשְׁתּ֔וֹ וְהָי֖וּ לְבָשָׂ֥ר אֶחָֽד׃ "Therefore, a man should leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, so that they…

The Genesis of Couples Therapy - Part 2

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Last post we were left with a question but first a little background. Genesis tells us that the goal of marriage is for a man to leave his mother and father and attach himself to his wife. I proposed that Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), of which I am a strong proponent, finds its primary theoretical roots in this biblical source. Imago assumes that our subconscious is on a mission to find an intimate…

Cover Up and...Connect?

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“And she lifted her eyes and saw Isaac....she descended from the camel….took the scarf and covered herself.” (Genesis 24:64-65) To understand the Torah’s approach to any given topic, the place to start is by analyzing the first instance that topic appears. So, Isaac and Rebecca, which is the Torah’s first description of a meeting between husband and wife can help us understand the Torah’s…

Getting Married? You Need to Know This.

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A young couple on the precipice of getting married once asked me: “What is the most important thing that we need to know about marriage”? I love questions like this. It forces me to put aside the “techniques” and tools that are often the merchandise of a marital therapist and delve into my fundamental beliefs about the project of marriage, its foundation and purpose. To preface, in addressing…

Destined for Each Other?

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Were you and your spouse destined for each other? Does it even matter? Let’s try and answer these questions with another: What makes a marriage work? “Love"? Sorry, incorrect. “Respect”? Closer, but still not there. "Good chemistry"? Maybe to get things rolling, but not to make it for the long haul. The only answer that has proven true time and time again is: Commitment. Commitment…