Posts

Reflecting on My Parents' 50th Anniversary

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I spend many hours a week with loving, amazing, dedicated couples in pain. Why the heck did I choose this strange line of work? I used to think it was because of my own marriage. 18+ years of creating a relationship with my wife Rivkah that is so important to me that I want to help others experience the depth of meaning in that journey. I like to take credit for my accomplishments. Yesterday…

Marriage - Not 50 -50, More Like 80-20.

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Looking for "fairness" or "equality" in marriage will lead you right to a power struggle disaster. A much better recipe than the 50-50 myth is the 80-20 "got your back". The concept is straight forward: In any moment of stress or difficulty determine who's got 80 in the tank (feeling strong, confident, etc.) and who's got 20 (weak, sad, discouraged, etc.). BE HONEST. We all need support at one time…

Second Chances

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"If it weren't for second chances we would all be alone" - G.A. Isakov I think it's fair to say that a relationship really only begins when things go wrong and hurt happens. It is in that crucial moment that we get to reach for another from the vulnerability of our own pain and make space for theirs. The bond that then forms is the divine place where loneliness is redeemed and…

There was an Affair. Can We Heal?

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Yes. But. In my experience, at minimum it requires 4 things: Desire - You must BOTH want to. There is very good reason NOT to try and heal this breach of trust. Understanding - The affair was the unfortunate "solution" to a bigger problem - the ongoing, unconscious destructive pattern of disconnection and mutual pain that hijacked your relationship. This cycle deeply hurt both of you…

Marriage - Don't Believe the Hype

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Looking for a place to hang your hat and feel accepted for who you are? An island from the anxiety and dissatisfaction of the outside world? A place to call home? Don't expect to find it in marriage. You probably won't. Looking for a place where the tight space of a committed relationship will keep you at your growth edge by putting you in contact with everything you have been (unknowingly)…

The Integrated Turtle

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I had just finished an emotional session with an amazing young couple. Both of them, brave souls with trauma filled backgrounds. I went on a long run to reflect and release and then I saw this guy (pictured above). A thought occurred. That beautiful shell is the pain and the need to protect. The little head popping out, is the courageous willingness to risk for the possibility of deep vulnerable love…

Lovers Facing Each Other and the Beyond

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Working with couples, the most significant shift I get the privilege of witnessing is when husband and wife turn to one another and share intimate emotional space. She may share her loneliness and how her angry attack is really a fearful, fear laden attempt to try and find him. He may share his fear of failing and disappointing her (again) and how withdrawing is his way of protecting himself and not…

You didn't make a mistake, its just hard...

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You didn’t make a mistake, it’s just hard… As a couple moves into later stages of their relationship, they often find they enjoy each other less and less.  This is generally the result of bickering; repetitive draining arguments about, well, just about anything. It's at this point that both individuals might say to themselves (or possibly to trusted others): “I think I might have made a…

3 Relationship Myths (and the truth)

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False Relationship Belief #1 Myth: You never hurt someone you love Fact: You most hurt (and are hurt by) someone you love. Not on purpose, of course, but pain is the price we pay for caring about someone deeply. The true love that is the stuff of a marriage is about what you do AFTER the hurt happens. False Relationship Belief #2 Myth : Happy marriage requires compromise. Fact: Compromise…

Marriage on The Moon

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“Tu B’Av” is the greatest Jewish holiday most Jews have never heard of. It’s the day that our tradition openly addresses the longing for of a loving, intimate relationship. Like other holidays (Sukot, Passover), it coincides with a full moon. Unlike, those other holidays, the full moon of Tu B’Av follows just a few days after the saddest and most painful day of the Jewish calendar - Tisha…